*** This is a letter I wrote to David Cook a few minutes ago. I don't know if he will ever read it, but it is about his song "Permanent". The song "Permanent" is David talking to his brother Adam. Adam died of Brain Cancer 3 weeks ago. It's also about how that song affects me with my father dying from Cancer, 7 years ago when I was 19. I am not sure why, but I figured I would post it on here, to give my friends a better understanding of who I am.***

Dear David,

It's funny. I said "Im going to write a little note to David and try to express what "Permanent" means to me and about cancer in general." As soon as I finished writing, "Dear David" my fingers froze and I couldn't move them or clear my brain enough to figure how what to type or anything for over 10 minutes.

Like most people on the planet, I first heard of you on American Idol. It's not really my kind of show, but my mom always watches it. I was very happy when you won last year and I love your voice and music, but I didn't go out and get your album. No offense, but like I said, not really my kind of music. I'm more for Avenged Sevenfold and Lacuna Coil. So, since I didn't get your album I never heard the song "Permanent" until the other night on the season finale of American Idol. I didn't know the song but as soon as I heard it, I knew what contents of what it was about. I can't stop listening to it ever since. It has been a long time since I have been able to find a song the fit my memory and moods to a T.

Almost 7 years ago now at the age of 19, I lost my father to cancer. The name of it is long and complicated, but it means his entire bioduct system was infected with cancer. Chemo had no effect and it was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to live through in my life. It was probably the same for you in a way. All throughout my childhood and into adulthood, my father was my hero. He was invincible. Nothing could break him. So to hear one day after my dad had been sick for awhile and we didn't know what was wrong, to hear he had cancer didn't really mean anything to me. "Okay, he has cancer. People get cancer all the time. He will get some Chemo and be fine." But as I said, the Chemotherapy never worked. It only made him sicker and weaker. To watch my father slowly wither and become so fragile and weak in front of my eyes and be able to do nothing about it kills me to this very day. I am 26 now. It haunts me everyday....I actually had a dream the other night that he somehow beat the cancer and was still alive. It was the best dream and the worst dream I've ever had. It was the best because I saw my dad. It was the worst, because I woke up and it wasn't real.

"Permanent" explains me. "Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry" & "So I ask: oh, God is there some way for me to take his place?" I would do anything to take my father's place. ANYTHING in this world. If God did exist (I don't believe he does), but if he did, ANYTHING that God would asked of me, I would give. That exists to this day. My father was diagnosed in September of 2001. He died on June 19th 2002. I miss him dearly and I can understand how you feel about your brother and I wish I could make everyone who has ever had to deal with death from cancer's pain go away.

I didn't think I was able to cry anymore. I haven't shed a single tear since I cried for my father 7 years ago. Not once when I have had to bury 8 of my friends in the past 7 years due to car accidents, drug overdoses, etc. But when I heard your song "Permanent", I cried my eyes out like a little baby and that is something I thank you for. Your song expresses me to a T and I never thought I would find anything that could do that.

As a uplifting note, I am going to be going back to college for Nursing, so I can be like the nurses my father had. They were amazing and they genuinely cared so much for my father's well being. They loved him. That is something I want to be for others. For people like your brother and so many others out there in this world that are hurting. To be able to give them those moments of joy and love in a world of pain.

Thank You.

Sincerely,

Christopher M. McHenry

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Digital Camera

So, I finally broke down and after 2 years of bullshitting, I went out and got a digital camera. I know it is hard to believe, as much as I LOVE film, but with digital, I don't have to waste money on developing film. So I went to bestbuy yesterday and they had the camera I wanted for 600. But, bestbuy has a policy that they will match the price of another store, so I brought in a flier from B&H Photo in NYC where the camera was 500, so bestbuy matched the price. This is what I got:

Canon EOS Rebel XS 10 Megapixel camera with a 18-55mm lens with stabilizer, which I like.

I have my 2 previous lens of 18-75mm & 75-300mm.
Titanium based tripod.
and all the fun programs to edit the pictures after I have taken them.

I was doing some sample shots for some friends who are up and coming hip-hop artists and that is most likely going to lead to some commission work, mainly for their album covers.

I will be uploading some of those shots today and because I have my new dandy digital camera, I will be uploading a hell of a lot more now cause I don't have to find money to develop film.

UPDATE:

I will be returning to work tomorrow after 2 months off for my knee surgery. Everything went as good as expected, except that the doctor found out that I have arthritis in both of my knees and that I will need to have knee replacement surgery for both of my knees in the next 15-20 years. Right now, I'm debating if I want to live that long cause I know how much that is going to suck.

I am also going back to school for a Nursing degree. My body won't let me do the manual labor work I'm doing now forever. It's been hard for 2 years, so there is no way I can do it for another 40 years until I retire. So, I thought long and hard and decided that since I have always loved helping others and being there for people when they need my help and a lot of personal things, I decided that Nursing is what I've always really wanted, but never realized until now. So starting this summer, I will begin taking evening classes towards all the prerequistes (sp?) that are required for the course. If everything goes as planned (which since it is my life, it probably won't go as planned) I will have my Nursing degree completed in 3 years, doing all evening courses. I still have to pay the bills so, I have to keep my manual labor job up for a little while longer until I can set off on what I really want to do.

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My one goal for 2009 is to get a daily deviation for my poem "Anorexia"!!!


[link]


That's it. That's all I wanna do.

On a more serious note, I will be having my right knee operated on within the next few weeks. I am at the point where I have to have the surgery. There is no more waiting and pushing it off. I have no tissue at all in my knee and my lateral meniscus is practically destroyed. For the tissue problem, my doctor is going to be drilling 5 holes in my knee to allow the bone marrow blood to come up around my knee and regrow the tissue that I am lacking. Recovering time for this procedure is between 6-8 weeks. I will have to go through months of physical therapy after the recovering time, but at that point I will be able to go back to work. I would love to be able to just sit down and take a few months off to make sure it all healed right, but that is a luxury that I don't have.

In April of 2008, I went to my doctor complaining of knee pain the likes of which I had never experienced with my knees before. He told me the situation, "You have no tissue left in your right knee. It is straight bone on bone. You need to have surgery on it." The timing couldn't have been worse. During March-October at my job we are at the busiest time of year. All the electricians are coming in to get all the material they need to do all the jobs they have to get done and there are a great deal of them. I asked my doctor if I waited could my knee get any worse. He said no, but the pain levels would increase. Simply put, I couldn't screw the guys I work with at the busiest time of year. So like the loyal idiot I am, I waited. About a month and a half ago, my knee started screaming in pain and I had no idea why. I had been dealing with the pain for over 7 months and it was tolerable. It wasn't fun by any means, but tolerable since I have such a high pain tolerance to begin with. At first my doctor thought I possibly tore my ACL, but luckily it was only the lateral meniscus. If it was the ACL, that would have put my recovery time to 12-14 weeks instead of 6-8 weeks.

I am going back to see my doctor in a few days time to discuss all the neccesities for the surgery and then I am going to sit down with my boss and the shop steward as we are union and discuss what the situation is and if he will allow me to have the time off with the promise that once I am healed, I can come back to work. With the economy the way it is right now, I can't afford to lose my job because I need surgery. If that is the case, I will just have to tough it out until the opportunity arises that I can have the surgery, but I don't expect there to be a problem especially after I stayed during the summer time when my doctor didn't want me too.

Well that is my life update. On a deviation note, I will be processing some of the 40+ rolls of film that I have to develop, so I will be adding more photographs soon. I promise. Thank you as always for sticking with me and I will see you soon. Later.

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Well as you can tell from the new pics I uploaded, I got a new gargoyle/dragon tattoo on my left leg. I am going back next week to have the color added. It's going to be black & gray for shading and red for blood.

I got new 5/8" black and red star gauges for the hell of it as I was getting tired of my old ones. Also, when I get my tattoo finished up, Kristen is going to do both of my industrials at a 10 gauge.

Life sucks. My boss is an asshole. He is 38 years old and has the maturity of a 9 year old but to say that is an insult to 9 year olds. He likes to burp, fart, put snot on people, talk down to everything like he is a demi-god, etc. In his mind because he is a multi-million of an electrical company that his FATHER started and HANDED to him, he is all important. Everyday I see him, I just want to kick the shit out of it and put him in his place. But, there is nowhere else around here that I can really make 14 bucks an hour, that also pays my medical and union dues and such. So, it is a double sided coin.

Life is good. I just started dating this new girl named Ariel. I don't know how it is going to go, but there is something about her that reminds me a great deal of my bestfriend Samy . Just being around her and I am all smiles and acting like a little kid with a crush. I can't explain so don't ask me to try.

I saw Lynyrd Skynyrd in concert about 2 weeks ago with the Outlaws and it was sick. I have never seen guitar playing that good in my life. I was supposed to go to the Allman Brothers show in August, but instead I am going to the Mayhem Festival with Slipknot & Disturbed and a bunch of other bands, half of which I have never heard of before. But I've always wanted to see Slipknot and Disturbed is a great bonus. Now I'll only have to see Marilyn Manson, Pearl Jam & Cruxshadows before I can die happy.

Lastly, Updates. I promise I will be posting a shit load more soon, I just need to stop spending money on ink, piercings and concert tickets, as well as all my regular bills which totals over $ 1200 a month, not including gas which I spend about $ 600 - $ 700 a month and I will develop film and upload great photographs.

Also, I want to thank everyone who favorited or commented my poem, Anorexia as it is now my most favorited, most commented and most everything else in my gallery. That piece means a great deal to me and the fact that everyone has been able to connect with it means a great deal to me, so thank you. If you haven't read it yet, you can view it here: [link]

That's All Folks!!!

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I am currently changing internet providers, so I guess I will be back when I get hooked back up. Until then, Laterz.

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